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Managing a toddler and a baby

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Pregnancy and the birth of a new baby can stir up many different feelings for parents and other family members.   

It may bring up thoughts about what their new baby will be like, how their baby will make them feel, and whether they will love this baby as much as their first.  

There may be great excitement, or feelings of lack of control. These expectations regarding the new baby are sometimes related to past experiences, especially if the first child proved difficult to settle. 

Confidence comes with experience, and many second and third time parents find being a parent again easier. They feel more confident, relaxed and less stressed in general. They feel more secure in the choices they make and things that seemed so difficult with the first child seem like second nature. 

Siblings will be one of the most important relationships in your child’s life. This will be a longer relationship than the parent-child relationship so it is important that it has a good start.  

Dynamics within the household

When a new baby comes along, it’s common for roles within the family to change.   

Often a new baby means the workload can double so it may be helpful to discuss each person’s roles and make changes before the baby arrives, making sure the transition is smooth. Discuss who will be doing what.

Combining jobs can help when time is short. Cooking dinner with the sibling means that dinner is made and quality time has been spent with the older child.  Walking with the baby in the pram provides an opportunity for exercise and time with baby.   

If the new baby is breastfed, mum may like to spend some separate one on one time with the toddler and so may want their partner or other family members to take the baby rather than the older child. Offering individual attention to the older child reduces jealousy and their need to compete. 

Stepfamilies

For stepfamilies, the arrival of a new baby can bring about a surprising range of emotions for both adults and existing children. The strong need to protect and nurture their baby can take a first time parent (and step-parent) by surprise. This can be because it highlights less intense feelings they may have for their stepchildren.   

For an only child in particular, the new baby’s arrival may lead to feelings of jealousy and loneliness. In contrast, it can be easier when a step-parent becomes a biological parent, and they become an integral part of the stepfamily.

Planning before the baby arrives

  • Try to plan as much as possible for the arrival of a new baby.  
  • Consider simple things like having meals in the freezer, booking online food shopping and having plenty of nappies. 
  • What family support do you have? Who can you call on? Make a list and contact them to check they are ready to help out. 
  • If family and friends can help, consider compiling a list of tasks or chores that need to be done and put them on the fridge to be seen.  
  • Look for local support services in your community. Outside support may include nappy services, adopt a nanny, cleaners etc. 
  • Who will take care of your toddler if labour is early? Make a list of different options and discuss them with your partner so you are both prepared. 

For FIFO families

Find out where the nearest support group is and write down the dates they meet. Look at work rosters or contracts to see if the worker can get extended leave or parental leave to spend time with the new baby and toddler. 

From the toddler’s point of view

We expect toddlers to adjust instantly but it is normal for them to experience feelings of jealousy, anger and sadness. The way children respond may depend on the child’s age and stage of development. Some behaviour will be normal for their age and not related to the new sibling. For example, typical expressions for the two year old in ‘mastery’ mode are, “I do it” and, “mine”. 

It can also depend on their temperament. How do they adjust to change? How can we, as parents, work with their temperament? For example, if we know they are anxious, we can try to make this transition easier by preparing them with books and role-playing. 

Some children will like to know early on and others won’t be interested at all. Be guided by the interest that your child shows and the questions they ask. Keep it simple! 

Sense of loss and change 

There is a loss of the previous life, for both parents and for children, including the loss of the one-on-one relationship. But there is also the opportunity for a new relationship. 

Transitions are times of change and they are good for personal growth but too many changes at once for young children can be overwhelming. 

Predictable routines give children a sense of security as they know what is coming next. When there is change happening within the house, your child will find it comforting to continue with the existing routines where possible. These could include the bedtime routine and going to playgroup. 

It is important to include other children in the preparation for the arrival of the new baby. Find ways of involving them and use phrases that let them know they are included. 

If the older siblings is moving bedrooms, do this early. The toddler needs time to talk about this, be part of the process and have some control over the situation. Involve a toddler in the change by letting them arrange their toys and belongings where appropriate. They might like to create a nameplate on the door. Doing this before the baby arrives helps avoid any resentment towards the baby. 

Want to know more?

Raising Children Network – Relationships with extended family in your blended family 

Raising Children Network – Blended families & stepfamilies 

Raising Children Network – New baby: helping toddlers and pre-schoolers adjust 

Work and family

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It is important for couples to openly discuss their roles within the home and outside the home. These roles can dramatically change once a baby comes along. 

Three areas of major change in time-demands include: 

  • paid work,  
  • house work, and 
  • daily infant care.  

Parenting as a team

Communicating openly and staying flexible can help to reduce the stress of parenting in the early years. This will make the whole experience more enjoyable. 

Most new parents feel a bit ‘all over the place’. They often feel excited and proud about the new baby, but equally overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole process and the amount of work involved. 

Many parents may be confused and not really know what they think or feel about it all. There is no right or wrong way to feel. All responses at these times are natural. However, it is important to pay attention to each other’s wellbeing following the arrival of your child. 

Socialising – even when you or your partner go back to work

Once you or your partner go back to work, keeping up your social life may become even more difficult.  

If your partner goes back to work and you are at home alone with your baby and perhaps your other children, try to: 

  • Have friends around or join a playgroup. This way you won’t feel so alone.    
  • Try to have a rest when your baby is sleeping. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking this is the time you can get everything done.   
  • When your partner gets home from work, ask them to join you with the baby to sit outside or in the garden. Let them take over with the baby for a while so that you can relax and do something you want to do.   
  • Encourage your partner to do things with the baby when they come home, like bathing or feeding.   

If it is you who has gone back to work, you may enjoy having more variety in your life and other things to think about. But equally, you may feel guilty about leaving your baby with someone else. You may feel stressed at having to do so much extra work, and concerned that you’re not as focused on your work as you used to be.   

Try to remember that parenting is a journey and that there is no right or wrong answer to your unique situation. 

Parents working away

You may be one of the many families who have a partner who works away in a fly in fly out (FIFO) role or a drive in drive out (DIDO) role. More information can be found at Parents who work away. 

 Want to know more?

Raising Children Network – Grown-ups: going back to work 

Raising Children Network – Relationships with extended family in your blended family 

Raising Children Network – Blended families and stepfamilies 

Raising Children Network – New baby: helping school-age children and teenagers adjust  

Parents who work away

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There are growing numbers of families where one parent works away regularly. Though usually working in the resource sector, other sectors that often require onsite workers include: the defence forces, transport, maritime, small business, corporate, and sales and service industries. 

FIFO (fly in fly out) appears more common than DIDO (drive in drive out), but all families with a parent who works away face unique challenges and opportunities.  

Benefits and challenges of a FIFO lifestyle

FIFO work often provides an opportunity for well-paid employment without the need to relocate families. It means families can maintain their social networks and access familiar schools and services.

FIFO parents are able to spend extended periods of time at home to focus on full-time parenting.

There are also unique concerns and challenges for FIFO parents. At the heart of their concern is wanting what is best for their family, whatever the type of employment.

Research has found that social support, negotiating parenting tasks, and maintaining an emotional presence within the family unit were of particular importance to FIFO families.  

Common concerns of parents who work away
  • How do I stay emotionally connected and in tune with my partner and children? 
  • How do we both function as a parenting team given my regular absence? 
  • How do I readjust to family life after being away? 
  • How does my family at home manage and adapt to the household’s needs as I come and go? 

The effects on families of a parent working away vary according to the length, predictability, and frequency of shifts.

Managing issues and getting support

Managing what is best for your family is as individual as the personalities within it. An important way to resolve parenting issues is to recognise the unique challenges of your own family.

Children’s personalities and ages, conditions of employment, availability of family support, and access to services are all factors that affect how you manage with working away.   

Parents report that the quality of life with their children is related to the level of support they have. This support may be found through friends, family, sporting and community groups, or parenting education services.

It helps to be part of a network of people who understand what it is like being a family where a parent works away. Developing a network that can provide support in times of stress can act as a buffer for the times when one parent is away.  

There are many community services that provide support for families for a range of issues. There are also organisations, like Ngala, that offer specific programs for families with a parent that works away. These organisations provide information that will increase awareness and access to support. 

Want to know more?

Work and family 

FIFO families website 

Mining Families Matters